Try This At Home

A Plea To Those I Love To D.I.Y.

Me with my friend, Roman Spinale, who is keeping the faith.

“Let's stop waiting around for someone to patronize us;

Let's hammer out a sound that speaks of where we've been.

Forget about the haircuts, the stupid skinny jeans,

The stampedes and the irony, the media fed scenes.

Because we write love songs in C, we do politics in G,

We sing songs about our friends in E minor.

So tear down the stars now and take up your guitars,

Come on, folks and try this at home.”

-Try This At Home, by Frank Turner (From whom I’ve taken this essay's title)

“Oh maturity's a wrapped up package deal so it seems,

And ditching teenage fantasy means ditching all your dreams.

All your friends and peers and family solemnly tell you you will

Have to grow up, be an adult, be bored and unfulfilled.

Oh but no one's yet explained to me exactly what's so great

About slaving 50 years away on something that you hate,”

-Photosynthesis, by Frank Turner

Dear friends,

I am so proud of you it breaks my heart. But, I hope you will not think it petty of me to say that it breaks my heart also to imagine a world where you don’t further explore your radiant potential.

Collectively you have faced and overcome obscure origins, financial hardships and insecurity, broken families, the death of loved ones, alcohol use disorder, anxiety, depression, neglect, ostracism, disrespect, and abuse.

On those rocky shores, you built shelters of love, compassion, and friendship. You established homes and families of your own and made them warm and safe. You have struggled to understand other people and to evolve beyond what your pain could have made you. You have blossomed, each of you, in unique and breathtaking ways.

You shame the obstacles and cruel people you have faced along the way.

If you chose to spend the rest of your life enjoying the fruits of this work, you will have lived with distinction. But, I write to ask you to do more.

I am sorry for any seeming or actual arrogance in doing so. Much of what I say may be obvious, trite, or myopic.

This letter is a plea from someone who loves you and wants to see you experience the fullest expression of your soul. I can’t quite call it an argument. For now, the foundations of the beliefs I’ll describe run too deep for me to argue them closely. Perhaps they are wrong, but I offer them in earnest and hold them with as much commitment as any conviction I have. I hope the letter will convey an urgent faith, and that you will recognize it and feel moved to action.

I want you to determine what you love most to do and begin it as a life’s work now, or keep going with increased verve.

I’m talking about a vocation, a calling–those activities that give you the greatest reward and put you in touch with transcendence. I want you to materially commit yourself to the kind of work that convinces you by its thrill that you were meant for something.

Let’s use the phrase Labours Of Love. It’s a familiar handle for projects realized by doing what I’m talking about and it seems the most apt to me, because I think what I’m describing is not just an act you love to perform but one which expresses and enhances a healthy love of one’s self.

 I’ll admit, I have an easier time conceiving what such an undertaking might be within the bounds of professions or projects, partly because what I love most can be found within that boundary, and this letter will reflect that. But, it doesn’t have to be for you, and I think some amount of what I say will apply even if it isn't.

I want you to move to L.A. to be a comedian; I want you to enroll for that PhD and take being a mathematics professor further; I want you to finish that independent video game you’re developing; become a professional costume designer and seamstress; a full time art teacher or caregiver for disabled children; a great labour organizer or attorney; A beloved fantasy novelist or children’s author; the star journalist at your hometown paper; an inspiring investigative reporter; a playwright; an auteur filmmaker; someone’s favorite musician; a legendary cook; a storied world traveler; a one-in-a-million parent; a once-in-a-lifetime partner in a love for the ages. 

I want you to be what you most want to be, and I think you can be. Whatever it is that is uniquely yours, which wells up within you and cries out to be accomplished, I want it for you and I want it to begin now and last a lifetime.

You see, at a very basic level I believe the following:

That a person is essentially an accumulation of all that they do and that a life is a process of determining yourself by acts (and, at the risk of being accused of working with a slippery vocabulary, I consider feeling and thinking acts); that living ends, is not repeated or merely a prelude, and involves a certain amount of natural and inevitable pain or want; that for each person there are actions that are more enjoyable to pursue and that more fully or durably comfort and satisfy one when confronting these grievances; that having done something in the world around you, however imperfectly, is in many cases more satisfying and valuable than the idea of doing it alone, even if the idea presents itself as the project in its perfect form.

And that, in light of these things: people should seriously pursue the activities that they most enjoy and are most completely or durably rewarded by in life; society should strive to enable everyone to do so without harming others to the greatest extent mutually possible; and those who love you should do or accommodate what they can to see that ambition fulfilled to the highest degree possible commensurate with optimum mutual development.

I urge you to figure out what that most rewarding activity is for you. It can change with time and experience, but identify your greatest Labour Of Love now and get started.

It has a result, but it is a process, something you do. It can be challenging even painfully hard, but it entrances and rewards you for each completed step or expression in a way that outstrips the burden of the doing. Find something you’re glad to do even when it’s difficult, that exhilarates you even as it overwhelms you, and that gives you a transcendent feeling of pride and purpose.

(If you’re not sure what this might be for you, I suggest this as a method for determining where to start: ask yourself “What distracts me most from what I’m obligated to do? What do I find myself conceiving and planning without pay and when I have other, more pressing matters to which I must attend?” Whatever it is might not prove to be what you are meant to do, but you’ll learn from trying such that you will be closer to finding whatever it is later on.)

And, if you already know what it is or have even already begun, please give it everything you can spare. Do not quit or allow yourself to be discouraged, and perform it with daring and force.

I think the feeling a Labour Of Love gives you is reason enough to do it, but I think there are other justifications: 

I consider work (not any job in particular, but the process of doing something) in the name of what you care most about a profound act of self love–not narcissism but legitimate and authentic self respect and appreciation of being alive and one’s self. If you zero in on this passion and set out to make it a life’s work, I think you can enact a well-deserved self-love. 

To my mind, true love consists of the feelings of understanding and gratitude and of the efforts we take to further the first and express the second. In discovering your Labour Of Love, you’re bringing to bear your self-knowledge. You attempt to understand yourself seriously and perhaps delve deeper than before to determine what follows from what you already know about yourself: Who are you? What moves you? What do you enjoy? What are you good at? What do you take pride in? Who do you want to be? 

I’ll bet an incarnation of this last would be someone who unites your skills and expertise, enhanced and expanded to new fields, to do things the likes of which have deeply moved you when done by others. By naming them concretely, you demonstrate an understanding of yourself. When you work to become them, you discover more about yourself by the striving–sometimes failing, sometimes succeeding–and each act brings you closer to an ideal. It becomes easier to feel deeply and easily that you are glad of who you are, that you are someone you love and that your life is one worthy of pride.

Every project you complete or milestone you meet as you pursue this life’s work is another amulet against discontent, despair, and regret. The more you do of these beloved things, the more you will have there to remind you in difficulty of life’s rich joys and your own beautiful nature.

The fact that these Labours Of Love are innately acts can also soften life’s pains by occupying you productively. If they grip your soul and engage your mind adequately, they will not only place a valuable future ahead of a passing misfortune, but allow you to remove yourself for a time from focusing on the pain. This can keep it from overwhelming you and give you a chance to meet it with preparation or let it pass entirely. Either way, they can break an illusory urgency unhappiness often wears. 

You may even find that what you love to do can resolve hurt or turn grief to some use: Perhaps the pain can be made poignant art or empathetic action through your Labour Of Love, and thereby be redeemed.

To do this for yourself is, I think, more than enough in itself. But, I believe what you accomplish will also benefit others. Whether its direct impact is large or small, a Labour Of Love is the best promise there is that you’ll bring your utmost to expanding the stock of human culture and well being. Depending on the nature of your passion, your work will touch others in the form of projects or cultivated relationships and you will have brought your whole heart and mind to the task.

The things you create, teach, or otherwise share may be so unique that they instruct each person they reach. They may instead be your own formulations of the universal, in which case they will have the power to resonate, comfort, or unite. At either pole and in between, they will be valuable and irreducibly your own contribution, a thing worth the attempt.

This isn’t going to permanently prevent or resolve one’s longings, but they will give you significant periods of satisfaction. And, as I’ve suggested, I don’t think the final elimination of desire is really possible or even particularly… well, desirable.

However long I live and no matter how many meals I eat, if enough time has elapsed since the last time I ate I will grow hungry again. But, I don’t despair of never eating some “final” meal that will leave me full forever. I just accept that living entails getting hungry and feeding myself to get temporary relief and take pleasure in the opportunity to eat, often enjoying the foods I love most.

So too with the yearning to complete a discreet Labour Of Love. Take the cue, do what you love most, savour the act and the accomplishment of one good instance, and don’t worry when you next feel a discontent that calls you to do so again. It is natural and means only another opportunity to enjoy the satisfaction of going through with it. (And for what it’s worth, in my experience this satisfaction is richer and lasts longer than alternative consolations.)

It seems possible that anyone could do this meaningfully, and I affirm that they all have the right to try to do so and should use it. But, you are my friends and I am writing with you foremost in my mind.

Our friendship evinces my faith that you are exceptional. A significant feature of my love for you is a conviction that I will never have the good fortune to know another person much like you again. I have instead the tremendous luck that, of all the people who have ever lived, do live or will live, I met you in particular, someone palpably irreplaceable to me.

 Everyone is literally unique, but you stand apart boldly in my experience and I have a deep admiration for your talent, wit, insight, intelligence, learning, charisma, character, and status as strikingly sui generis.

With that in mind, I say to you earnestly, I believe what you could accomplish by pursuing your ambitions would be especially wonderful and worthwhile. You could perform a life’s work that I know would be good and that I trust would be great.

That is not to say it will be easy. 

The work itself will be by its nature challenging and demanding. You will need to approach it with courage, honesty, grit, and the full capacity of your mind to thoroughly realize its rewards. It will require time and concentration, sometimes to the exclusion of significant alternatives. 

There will be obstacles.

You may struggle to fund your passion. Life's many demands may fight to absorb the time you can give your Labour Of Love. A day job to pay the bills may intercede and sap your enthusiasm. And those who love you or whom you love may not understand what you set out to do or how you believe you must go about it. They may wish, understandably, for more of your time and attention.

You may also come up against barriers founded on racism, sexism, classism and the like. Sometimes these will be overt. More often, I’d imagine, they’ll be covert or even accidental on the part of those doing it: functions of what happens when a history of inequality collides with the imperatives of a person or an institution trying to decide whom to help, whom to hire.

For reasons outside of your control, you won’t know All The Right People, have attended All The Right Schools, gotten All The Right Jobs or the necessary resources, or had the economic security to take unpaid internships and the rest. Crafting a perfect resume or grant application or having an insider escalate your application will be beyond your grasp. The relationships you hope to build will have to bear up under stresses other people need not face as you fight to live as well as to flourish.

The unfair and occasionally random distribution of opportunities goes doubly so if you aspire to be eminent in a field. 

Recognize these things, but do not be daunted.

The earliest defeat you can suffer is to be intimidated into betraying yourself by not trying. Challenge the odds by flouting them and honour your potential. All of the obstacles I have named only matter after you have decided to face them rather than resign.

They are all reasons you may not succeed, but none of them, I promise you, are good reasons. Don’t flatter them by acceptance. 

Do what you love in any case, under whatever circumstances you can manage and to the best of your ability with what you can muster. Search for ways to afford it, chances to make the time, and do what you can with what life has given you. Help loved ones understand your vocation and its need for commitments of focus, energy, time, and resources.

I believe love should encompass seeing and blessing these drives in one another. At some level, I think that’s what most of love proves to be. In the worst case, no one’s right to you exceeds your own. Stand by who you are and don’t let the fire be extinguished. And in practice, I’ll wager it usually (if not always) proves more possible than you might fear to reach understanding and promote one another together. I also trust you will find your creativity and strength more than a match for the complications of giving your Labour Of Love the time and resources it requires to succeed.

And do not let past injustices go unchallenged as they attempt to make you their latest victim. You are not less worthy than those who have succeeded.

I’ve alluded to the virtues I see in you already. I really believe you have tremendous potential and every right to express it. If you need me to go into detail one-on-one, call me. You have the number and I’m prepared to take the call.

But, beyond that, on principle your background shouldn’t dictate your capacity to contribute to the world with the realization of your cherished dreams. This is your life, your planet. You have a right to express yourself, to seek your highest fulfillment, and to give a serious attempt to change and enrich the world you inhabit. No matter where you come from or who your family is, you may do it splendidly. To believe otherwise is an unbecoming elitism.

And those who have succeeded are not some class of perfect beings, infallibly selected as the best of all possible specimens in their field. Those random or unfair distributions of opportunity act to help them just as the same forces hinder others.

Think of all the eminent, powerful, and successful fools and frauds that daily circle us from on high like loud, carrion birds. Just try to sit for a moment with the thought of how many outsized mediocrities daily assail us with their magnified incompetence. If they deserve recognition, don’t you?

And for those you can think of who are truly gifted at what they do, remember that they too furnish no reason you shouldn’t join them in the great pursuit, and even be respected for what you bring to the chase.

You too are gifted and they too are human. They have weak spots, failures, foibles, limitations. 

They do great things in any case. So could you. 

If they truly are the best possible exemplar of what they do, this holds true: You could still join them, taking part in the shared endeavour at a high level together. But, we can’t even be sure they are the best possible living practitioner. Setting aside that you’ll never know where exactly you could stand in relation to them unless you try to stand at their side, even the great may only be the best to get the chance to do it at all.

Each generation will throw up many people trying to achieve something. Some will be lauded. Of those it seems obvious some will receive their cheers with total justice, some with no apparent legitimacy, and still others because there was good reason though they weren’t in fact the best possible candidate to embody their chosen work in their lifetime. 

You’ll never know until it is over what was to be produced in your lifetime, let alone where you could fall in these spectra of skill and accolade if you made the effort. Even if your work is only ever seen for the glory it is by you, it will have been worth the effort–in itself and as a way to test your luck among the others.

Additionally, the greater your success, the greater your opportunity to level the obstacles you faced before others have to meet them.

I say begin or rededicate yourself now.

To accomplish things of significance, we must plan as if we have time in which to complete them. But, we must also acknowledge that the length of the life we have left to live is brief and uncertain. I propose that to live in defiant hope of time enough, but to start out immediately, is the only way forward that accords with both.

You may believe it is too late for you. But, you are still vibrantly alive. What you want to accomplish is still within you. Nurture it. It is part reality and part potential waiting to become real and it isn’t clear that if you started now you wouldn’t have time to fulfill it to great effect. 

(I comfort myself when I remember that Thomas Paine was a stay-maker’s son and a tax collector who left his place of birth as he neared forty with a letter of introduction and hopes of a job abroad, and ahead of him was a career as a writer that would literally revolutionize the world. If he can do that then, surely, if I start out in my late 20s, I can at least compose a few sentences I’m proud to have formulated, and by starting now you can snatch at least part of your aspirations.) 

To begin is to begin to finish, and, in any case, what better use is there of the time remaining?  The life lived in pursuit of Labours Of Love is a richer one. It will compensate you. To live without that promise of seeing the deed done is harsher and less forgiving by far. To me, it hardly seems a life worth living at all.

You may say to me that now is too early. But, we don’t know how long we have. And if you don’t start now, you may never do so. You will learn by the doing and be more ready if a significant opportunity ever comes along once you have started.

 And, for many of the same reasons that people or institutions will try to pass over you in favor of some more immediately credentialed candidate, I don’t believe anyone is coming to find us if we are not making it clear we are here to be found. Be ready for opportunity, but don’t wait for someone to bring an unknown quantity just the right opportunity at just the right time. We must begin in earnest without them.

I’ve already seen signs you have, but stoke those fires higher.

I don't do as much of all this as I should myself. But, I hope you can see I am trying and that I mean what I say. 

I am also free of many of the constraints you may experience. I don’t take those lightly. But, if you throw yourself at your ambitions as well, I believe that you can face anything that opposes you, and I will help you. Together, we can achieve what we hope to accomplish more fully by mutual support. 

But, only if we set about it and keep at it. These good things are ours to realize by our acts and so do not come to those who wait.

So, don’t wait. Start now. 

–30–

Copyright

Emlyn Alastair Gordon Cameron

2024